笑話版：政治/民族/宗教類笑話若干則（三）

A Chinese guy and a Jewish guy are drinking at the bar...
The Jewish guy turns to the Chinese guy and says, "Fu*k you and your people, for bombing Pearl Harbor!"
The Chinese guy is like, "WTF?! That wasn't us. That was the Japanese!"
The Jewish guy: "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... you're all the same."
After a few minutes and another beer, the Chinese guy turns to the Jewish guy and says, "Fu*k you and your people for sinking the Titanic!"
The Jewish guy: "Huh? They ran into an iceberg..."
Chinese guy: "Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinburg, you're all the same."

一個中國人和一個猶太人在酒吧里喝酒…
猶太人轉(zhuǎn)身對中國人說：“你和你的民族真該死，竟然炸了珍珠港！”
中國人說，“什么？那不是我們干的。那是日本人！”
猶太人：“中國人、日本人、越南人...你們都一樣?！?br /> 幾分鐘后，他們又喝完一杯啤酒，中國人轉(zhuǎn)身對猶太人說：“你和你的民族真該死，竟然擊沉了泰坦尼克號！”
猶太人：“啥？他們是撞上了一座冰山（iceberg）...”
中國人：“冰山(Iceberg)、戈德堡（Goldberg）、斯坦伯格(Steinburg)，你們都一樣。”

According to the Chinese Calendar, this is currently the year 4720. However, on the Jewish Calendar, it is the year 5783.
Which means, in the beginning, Jews had to suffer through 1,063 years without Chinese food.

（回）根據(jù)中國的歷法，現(xiàn)在是4720年。然而，根據(jù)猶太歷法，現(xiàn)在是5783年。
這意味著，一開始，猶太人不得不在吃不到中餐的痛苦中忍受1063年。

Make_the_music_stop
I was standing at the bar in an International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why the fuck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."

當時我站在某國際機場的酒吧里，一個小個子中國人走進來，站在我旁邊，開始喝啤酒，我問他：“那些武術(shù)之類的有什么是你會的嗎，比如功夫、空手道或柔術(shù)？”
他說：“不會，你TMD為什么要問我這個？是不是因為我是中國人？”
“不是”，我說，“是因為你在喝我的啤酒，你個小賊”。

Judo is the ancient art of folding laundry that is still being worn.

（回）柔道是古老的疊衣服藝術(shù)，經(jīng)久不衰。

The ancient sport of tucking your dressing gown into your belt and then the other guy pulls it out so you pull his out then you both stop to tuck your dressing gowns in again then you push each other around for a bit because you each pulled each other's dressing gowns out of each other's belts then, of course, this leads to you both pulling each other's dressing gowns out of each other's belt again so another man tells you both to stop and you both have to tuck your dressing gowns back into your belts again and then you both start pushing each other around again and again it's the belt/dressing gown thing and this goes on for what seems like hours until one of you almost manages to throw the other person onto the floor and the referee makes you both stop and tuck in your dressing gowns and then he shouts something in Japanese and points to one of you and I think it means that person won the dressing gown pulling competition.

（回）這是一項古老的運動，把你的睡袍塞進你的腰帶里，然后對方會把你的睡袍拉出來，于是你就把他的睡袍拉出來，然后你們都停下來，把各自的睡衣再塞回去，然后你們互相推搡一番，因為你們把對方的睡袍從對方的腰帶里拉出來了，之后，這當然就會導致你們又把對方的睡袍從對方的腰帶里拉出來了，所以另一個人會要求你們都停下來，你們倆必須把睡袍重新塞進腰帶里，然后你們又開始互相推搡，接著又會去折騰腰帶/睡袍的問題，這貌似能持續(xù)好幾個小時，直到你們中的一個人差一點就成功地把另一個人摔到地板上，然后裁判員會讓你們都停下來，把你們的睡袍塞回去，然后他會用日語喊話，指著你們中的一個人，我想這個的意思就是這個人贏得了這場拉睡袍比賽。

a4techkeyboard
Reminds me of a Philippine-based joke I heard once. It goes:

這讓我想起了我曾經(jīng)聽到過的一個菲律賓的笑話。是這么說的：

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were arguing about whose people are older.
The Jewish man says "We are, we were the ones that crucified Jesus."
The Chinese man replies "And which hardware store did you buy the nails from?"

一個猶太男人和一個中國男人在爭論誰的民族更古老。
猶太人說：“把耶穌釘死在十字架上的人就是我們這個民族的。”
中國人回答說：“那你們從哪家五金店買的釘子？”

The context is that the Philippines is mostly Catholic, and the Filipino Chinese usually own the hardware stores.

背景是，菲律賓大部分都是天主教徒，而五金店通常都是菲律賓華人開的。

OrdosDeluxe
An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

一個老人給他的兒子打電話說，“聽著，你媽和我準備離婚了。四十五年的痛苦已經(jīng)受夠了?！?br /> “爸爸，你說什么？”，兒子尖叫道。
“我們光是看見對方都無法忍受了”，他說?！拔覅捑肓怂哪?，我也厭倦了談論此事，總之給你姐姐打個電話告訴她此事”，然后他就掛斷了電話。

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.

現(xiàn)在，兒子很擔心。他給他姐姐打電話。她說，“他們要離婚了！想都別想！”她立刻給他們的父親打了電話。“你不會離婚的！你啥也別干。我們兩個人明天就飛回家討論這個問題。在那之前，不要找律師，不要提交文件。你聽到了嗎？” 她掛斷了電話。

The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

老男人轉(zhuǎn)身對妻子說：“好了，這下他們倆都會來過圣誕節(jié)了，而且機票錢他們自己會付。

Royal_Cover_9428
I asked my wife why she married me.
I asked my wife why she married me.
She said “Because you are funny.”
I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.”
She said “See? You’re hilarious!”

我問我妻子為什么她會嫁給我？
她說，“因為你很風趣”。
我說，“我還以為是因為我床上功夫好呢”。
她說：“你看，你就是很風趣！”

Make_the_music_stop
A married man approaches a woman in the supermarket and says: "I've lost my wife in the aisles... Do you mind if we talk for a while?"
She asks him, "Wouldn't it be better to look for her than to talk to me?"
And the married man answers her: "But it won't be necessary... every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere...".

一個已婚男人在超市里湊近一個女人，說：“我在過道里把我老婆弄丟了...你介意我們聊一會兒嗎？”
她問他：“去找她不是比和我聊天更好嗎？”
然后這個已婚男人就回答她說，“但這沒有必要...每次我和漂亮女人說話，我老婆就會突然出現(xiàn)...”

MrGuttor
A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.

一只大猩猩，剛巧趕在動物園開放前因年老而死去了。這是動物園里的唯一一只大猩猩，因為他們的利潤不高。
然而，到目前為止，大猩猩一直是他們園中最受歡迎的游覽勝地，他們一天也不能沒有它。因此，動物園老板要求他手下的一個員工穿上他們備好的大猩猩裝，如果他愿意進入大猩猩籠子，假扮大猩猩，每天能多得100美元，直到動物園能買得起新的大猩猩。
很快，這只新的“大猩猩”成了這家動物園里最能引發(fā)狂熱的存在。來自各地的人們紛紛前來觀看這只“像人一樣”的大猩猩。

About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions' den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

大約一個月后，這種狂熱開始消退了。因此，為了重新吸引人們的注意力，他決定爬過自己的圍欄，從旁邊獅穴上方的網(wǎng)狀天花板上懸吊下來。一大群人聚集在一起，懷著敬畏和恐怖的心情觀看這一奇觀。突然間，這個人失去了控制，掉在了獅穴的地上。那人開始尖叫“救命啊！救命！”突然之間，一只獅子從他身后撲向他，在他耳邊輕聲說，“馬上給我閉嘴，否則你會害得我們兩個都被解雇?！?/b>