As told to Lisa Harvey for BBC Three, by Prasanna Sellathurai

本文根據(jù)BBC三臺(tái)節(jié)目中嘉賓對(duì)麗莎·哈維所述而作，由普拉薩娜·塞拉蘇雷執(zhí)筆。

I first noticed I was having mental health problems aged 11. I have a large Sri Lankan family, which means you get to go to lots of weddings, but it also means you go to lots of funerals. So, from a young age, I had a clear sense of death – and a weird sense of what life was, too.

我第一次注意到自己有心理健康問(wèn)題是在11歲的時(shí)候。我出生于一個(gè)斯里蘭卡大家庭，這意味著你要參加很多婚禮，但同時(shí)也意味著你要參加很多葬禮。所以，從很小的時(shí)候起，我就對(duì)死亡有了清晰的認(rèn)識(shí)，對(duì)生命也有了一種奇怪的認(rèn)識(shí)。

My school was very academically focused and I didn’t really have anything outside of that. I failed my 11+ exams but passed my 13+ to go to a grammar school and, like a lot of the other kids, I did 14 GCSE’s and 6 A-levels. It was pressured, and that was normal, but these pressure points were critical for my mental health.

我的學(xué)校非常注重學(xué)術(shù)，所以除此之外我沒(méi)有參加別的課程。我沒(méi)有通過(guò)11+的考試，但通過(guò)了13+的考試，所以我后來(lái)去了一所語(yǔ)法學(xué)校。像其他很多的孩子一樣，我獲得了14個(gè)普通中等教育證書和6 A等級(jí)資格證。這很有壓力，不過(guò)有壓力很正常，但關(guān)鍵是這些壓力點(diǎn)對(duì)我的心理健康至關(guān)重要。

It felt like an easy thing for me to be depressed. Thoughts would just run away from me – but I never spoke about it. I went to an all-boys school and my friends just wanted to joke around. Depression wasn’t in my vocabulary, or a topic of conversation with other students. I found it difficult to articulate my feelings because I was young and trying to please both teachers and my friends; trying to find that level of acceptance.

對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)，陷入抑郁情緒是件很容易的事。我的思想總是游離在身體之外，但我從來(lái)沒(méi)有表達(dá)出來(lái)過(guò)。我那時(shí)候上的是男校，那里的朋友們都喜歡開開玩笑。那時(shí)候抑郁這個(gè)詞還不在我所學(xué)的詞匯中，也不是我與其他學(xué)生對(duì)話的話題。不過(guò)我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己很難清楚地表達(dá)出自己的感受，因?yàn)槲夷菚r(shí)候還年幼，而且為了試圖找到那種被接納的感覺，我還得努力取悅老師和朋友們。

I tried to talk to a family member, who quite understandably didn’t know how to respond. They were concerned, but sort of forget about it – and move on. I think there’s a different sense of cultural attitude towards mental health in Sri Lanka. I might be wrong but with the Sri Lankans that I’ve met, it’s not something they really talk about. Looking back, I never ‘maintained’ my mental health. I was aware of the struggle – it would hit me in a wave – but once it went away, I would just focus on the problems of the day, as opposed to the on-going issues.

我曾試著和一位家庭成員表達(dá)我的感受，他完全可以理解我，但是他不知道該如何回應(yīng)我。他們開始變得很擔(dān)心我，但后來(lái)似乎忘記了我的感受，然后生活還是繼續(xù)前進(jìn)著。我認(rèn)為斯里蘭卡文化里，人們對(duì)心理健康的態(tài)度是不同的。我可能說(shuō)的不對(duì)，但就我遇到的斯里蘭卡人而言，心理健康問(wèn)題并不是他們真正愿意談?wù)摰氖虑椤；叵肫饋?lái)，我曾經(jīng)也從來(lái)沒(méi)有‘維護(hù)’過(guò)我的心理健康。我意識(shí)到這種掙扎會(huì)像海浪一樣不停襲擊我，但一旦它消退，我就能夠?qū)Ｗ⒂诋?dāng)天的事情，而不用面對(duì)一直以來(lái)正在發(fā)生的問(wèn)題。


Then, when I went to university to study physics, everything came to a head. At uni, you gain independence and spend that first year trying to figure out your new family and new life, when you’ve been so used to your home, family and school life. For me, that invited unresolved emotional issues to bubble to the surface. It was like someone had cranked up the pressure in my body – and I lost it.

后來(lái)，我上了大學(xué)，我主修的是物理學(xué)，到那時(shí)候，事事都到了緊要關(guān)頭。大學(xué)之前的你已經(jīng)習(xí)慣了你的家庭、家人和學(xué)校生活，而進(jìn)入大學(xué)之后，你會(huì)慢慢脫離自己的家庭，獲得獨(dú)立，而且在大學(xué)第一年里你就得開始試圖策劃你的新家庭和新生活。對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)，這種狀況讓我未解決的情感問(wèn)題浮出了水面。那種感覺就像有人給我的身體增加了壓力，讓我失去了控制一樣。

I’d run away from social scenarios because I found them too overwhelming. But then I found it hard to be alone in my room. It felt like I was trapped in a vice. My friends would ask me if I was ok, but they didn’t really know what to do. Then one suggested I talk to the assistant senior tutor of my college, which I did. We had regular meetings and they recommended I see a GP and an NHS mental health specialist. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I felt I was getting proper help from someone who was qualified to give it. I felt like I was being an adult about it, but – I’m not going to lie – I was embarrassed. I’ve always had this knee-jerk to tell a joke and say it’s just a silly thing that’s going on but, actually, it was a very serious thing.

所以我開始逃避社交場(chǎng)合，因?yàn)槲矣X得它們太難以應(yīng)付了。但后來(lái)我也發(fā)現(xiàn)自己很難一個(gè)人待在房間里。我感覺自己被困在陷阱里了。我的朋友會(huì)問(wèn)我是否還好，但他們真的不知道該怎么做才能讓我好受。后來(lái)有人建議我和學(xué)院的高級(jí)助理導(dǎo)師談?wù)劊揖腿ジ劻?。我們定期見面，他們建議我去見見全科醫(yī)生和英國(guó)國(guó)民健康服務(wù)(NHS)的心理健康專家。去醫(yī)院之后，我最終被診斷患有抑郁癥和焦慮癥。我終于覺得我從專業(yè)的人那里得到了適當(dāng)?shù)膸椭?。我覺得自己在這件事上表現(xiàn)得像個(gè)成年人，但是說(shuō)真的，我那時(shí)候感到很尷尬。我總是下意識(shí)地講個(gè)笑話，然后說(shuō)這只是一件很傻的事，但實(shí)際上，這是一件很嚴(yán)肅的事。
原創(chuàng)翻譯：龍騰網(wǎng) http://nxnpts.cn 轉(zhuǎn)載請(qǐng)注明出處


During my second year, my mental health problems escalated to a point where I wasn’t well enough to sit my end-of-year exams. It meant I had to take a year out, which was a setback. Once I came to terms with it, I spun the year into an opportunity to explore my mind. As well as maths and science, I’d always loved art so I stayed in Durham and became a commercial film director, working on narrative shorts, adverts, trailers and music videos, thanks to the societies at my university. That was important because it took me out of that academic world and into a creative one.

在上大學(xué)的第二年，我的心理健康問(wèn)題升級(jí)到我無(wú)法參加年終考試的地步。這意味著我不得不休學(xué)一年，這對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)是個(gè)巨大的挫折。不過(guò)一旦我接受了它，我就把這一年變成了一個(gè)探索自己思想的機(jī)會(huì)。除了數(shù)學(xué)和科學(xué)，我還一直都很喜歡藝術(shù)，所以我留在了達(dá)勒姆，成為了一名商業(yè)電影導(dǎo)演，致力于制作敘事短片、廣告、預(yù)告片和音樂(lè)視頻等，這一切都要感謝我大學(xué)里的社團(tuán)。這對(duì)我很重要，因?yàn)檫@個(gè)決定把我?guī)С隽藢W(xué)術(shù)世界，我進(jìn)入了一個(gè)有創(chuàng)造力的世界。

I’d been prescribed anti-depressants but that didn’t feel sustainable for me so I came off them during my year out. In the end, two things really worked for me. The first was keeping journals. The NHS mental health specialist suggested I write down and tabulate my thoughts. So I started writing and illustrating different aspects of my day. I still fill them in today – they’re colourful and feel like slices of my brain. When I write in them, the anxiety becomes smaller because I’m slowing my thought process down and that helps control the anxiety and depression. I also ‘see’ patterns, such as how little I ate or slept that day, or other things that might explain the way I’m feeling.

我之前一直在吃醫(yī)生給我開的一些抗抑郁藥，但那感覺對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)是不可持續(xù)的，所以我在那休學(xué)的一年也把藥也戒掉了。最后，有兩件事對(duì)我起了作用。第一個(gè)是寫日記。英國(guó)國(guó)民健康服務(wù)的心理健康專家建議我把自己的想法寫下來(lái)，做成表格。所以我就開始寫作，并在日記中闡述我一天的不同方面的生活。直到今天我還在記錄日記，它們看起來(lái)五顏六色，感覺就像我大腦的切片一樣。當(dāng)我寫下它們的時(shí)候，我的焦慮會(huì)變得更小，因?yàn)槲曳怕怂伎嫉乃俣龋@有助于控制焦慮和抑郁。通過(guò)日記表格，我還發(fā)現(xiàn)了一些規(guī)律，比如我那天吃多少、睡多少，或者其他可能解釋我的感覺的事情因素。


The other thing that was good at helping me overcome my mental health problems was properly opening up about how I felt. Just before I went back to re-take my second year, I think I’d exasperated a couple of my friends and I remember feeling angry and disappointed at myself. I felt people knew I was depressed, but no one would talk about it – plus I was hiding from it. I felt so trapped by my depressive prison that I ended up screaming at the internet at 2am, via a Facebook post.

另一件能幫助我克服心理健康問(wèn)題的事情是合理地表達(dá)出我的感受。就在我重新上大二之前，我覺得我激怒了我的幾個(gè)朋友，我記得那時(shí)候我對(duì)自己感到及其憤怒和失望。我覺得所有人都知道我得了抑郁癥，但沒(méi)有人愿意談?wù)撨@件事，而且我也一直在逃避這件事。我感覺自己被囚禁在了一個(gè)壓抑的監(jiān)獄里。終于在某一天的凌晨2點(diǎn)，我在臉書上發(fā)帖，在互聯(lián)網(wǎng)上尖叫，瘋狂地表達(dá)我的感受。

I wrote along the lines of: “Hello, I don’t write Facebook statuses but I just wanted to say I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts. It’s a real struggle.” I added we should be talking more openly about it, and I gave lixs to mental health charities. I also said I don’t think it’s right that I should be defined like this, before adding a photo someone had taken of me where I looked and felt happy. Then I closed my laptop – and didn’t look at it for about a day.

我這樣寫道:“你好，我不寫臉書狀態(tài)，但我只想說(shuō)，我一直有自殺的念頭，也一直在與這種念頭做斗爭(zhēng)。這是一場(chǎng)真正的斗爭(zhēng)。” 我補(bǔ)充說(shuō)，我們應(yīng)該更公開地討論這個(gè)問(wèn)題，我還提供了心理健康慈善機(jī)構(gòu)的鏈接。我還展示了一張別人拍的我的照片，在照片里，那是一個(gè)真心快樂(lè)的我。在照片下面我附上一句話說(shuō)，我不認(rèn)為自己應(yīng)該被這樣定義。發(fā)完之后我就關(guān)上了筆記本電腦，在之后的一天我都沒(méi)有打開過(guò)電腦。

When I did, there were about 200 likes. But far more meaningful than that, were the comments I received. One girl I’d met in passing had sent me an essay about how incredible the post was; another guy sent me a message – I think he was in a bar at the time – saying how much he loved me. I also got a lot of messages from people saying they’d gone through similar things and were inspired by reading my post. I wrote every message, word for word, down in my journals – even the emojis. I was deeply moved because it was an acknowledgement of support, as opposed to feeling paranoid about what people were thinking about me. It’s a bit of an odd form of therapy doing something like that, but it helped.

后來(lái)當(dāng)我重新登錄自己的臉書賬號(hào)的時(shí)候，我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己的動(dòng)態(tài)收到了大概有200個(gè)贊。但更有意義的是，我還收到了一些評(píng)論。我瀏覽評(píng)論的時(shí)候看到一個(gè)女孩發(fā)給我的一篇小感言，她說(shuō)我的這條動(dòng)態(tài)非常棒; 還有一個(gè)可能正在酒吧玩兒的家伙給我發(fā)了一條信息說(shuō)他有多欣賞我。我同時(shí)也收到了很多人的信息，他們說(shuō)他們也經(jīng)歷過(guò)類似的事情，并從我的帖子中得到了啟發(fā)。我逐字逐句地把每條評(píng)論和留言都寫在了我的日記里，甚至包括表情符號(hào)。我深受感動(dòng)，這是對(duì)別人對(duì)我的支持的感謝，而且我并沒(méi)有對(duì)別人對(duì)我的看法而感到偏執(zhí)。這是一種有點(diǎn)奇怪的治療方式，但它很有幫助。

Today, I’m in my third year and I’ve kept that honesty going. I did a university podcast interview about mental health and made a short film about anxiety. I still struggle with my mental health – but I don’t give up now. Before, it was easy to let my mind fall down a well. Now, I’m gripping to the sides and climbing up. My mum and dad have also come a long way in learning about anxiety and depression with me. Fighting it is an active process, but I’m more open now. I talk about it with first year students who live around me all the time. At first, I was more comfortable talking to my friends who were girls. But I’ve had one-on-one chats with guys over a cup of tea where they tell me the truth, empathise or understand the struggle.

今天是我工作的第三個(gè)年頭了，這么久以來(lái)，我一直保持著這種誠(chéng)實(shí)。我做了一個(gè)關(guān)于心理健康的大學(xué)播客采訪，并制作了一個(gè)關(guān)于焦慮的短片。我仍然在和我的心理健康作斗爭(zhēng)，但我現(xiàn)在還沒(méi)有放棄。以前，我很容易讓我的思想掉進(jìn)陷阱里不出來(lái)。而現(xiàn)在，我會(huì)緊緊抓住側(cè)壁往上爬。我的父母在學(xué)習(xí)焦慮和抑郁方面也陪著我走了很長(zhǎng)一段路。對(duì)抗抑郁是一個(gè)積極的過(guò)程，但我現(xiàn)在更開放了。我經(jīng)常和住在我周圍的一年級(jí)學(xué)生談?wù)撨@個(gè)問(wèn)題。一開始，我覺得和我的女孩朋友聊天會(huì)更自在。但是我也曾經(jīng)和一些男人在一起喝茶的時(shí)候進(jìn)行一對(duì)一的聊天，他們會(huì)坦誠(chéng)地告訴他們對(duì)我的感覺，他們表示同情或者理解我的掙扎。

My advice to anyone feeling like I did at school? Find ways to express yourself –? I turned to art and music – and do have an actual conversation about it. Between the ages of 11 and 14, I wouldn’t tell anyone but I also didn’t know it was a thing to be telling people about. Now I see that would have been so helpful. It took me a few years to realise but that Facebook post was me admitting, and taking control of, the thing I was hiding from. Even if that means telling just one person, it can help.

關(guān)于給和我類似經(jīng)歷的人的建議? 我的建議是找到表達(dá)自己的方式，并就此展開一場(chǎng)真正的對(duì)話，就像我轉(zhuǎn)向了藝術(shù)和音樂(lè)一樣。在11歲到14歲的時(shí)候，我不會(huì)對(duì)任何人表達(dá)我的抑郁情緒，而且那時(shí)候我也不知道這是一件可以告訴別人的事情。不過(guò)現(xiàn)在我明白了，坦然地告訴別人反而會(huì)很有幫助。我花了幾年的時(shí)間才意識(shí)到這一點(diǎn)，臉書上的帖子就是我在承認(rèn)自己抑郁癥并控制自己勇敢面對(duì)一直在逃避的事情的證明。即使你只告訴一個(gè)人，那也會(huì)有幫助。

Some people ask me questions about my mental health and say they don’t want to see a GP because they don’t want to waste a doctor’s time: they don’t think their problems are as ‘bad’ as people who have depression. I tell them they’re suffering just as much as me, or have the symptoms of someone who is anxious. It’s why conversations are so important: they give clarity. How we experience being mentally unwell is a bit of a spectrum, which makes it difficult to understand how someone is actually feeling. But being unwell and mentally unwell should be the same thing.

一些人會(huì)問(wèn)我關(guān)于我的心理健康的問(wèn)題，他們說(shuō)他們不想去看全科醫(yī)生，因?yàn)樗麄儾幌肜速M(fèi)醫(yī)生的時(shí)間，因?yàn)樗麄儾徽J(rèn)為他們的問(wèn)題像抑郁癥患者那樣“糟糕”。 我會(huì)告訴他們，抑郁癥患者和我一樣痛苦，或者有焦慮的癥狀。這就是對(duì)話如此重要的原因，交流能讓人變得清晰。我們精神不健康的經(jīng)歷有點(diǎn)像一個(gè)光譜一樣難以捉摸，即讓我們很難理解一個(gè)人的真實(shí)感受。但身體不適和精神不適是一樣的。

The more I talk about mental health, even though it’s a unique experience for all of us, the more I see that depression is an illness that is often hidden – and you have to delve into it, and look after it, to feel better.

盡管這對(duì)我們所有人來(lái)說(shuō)都是一種獨(dú)特的經(jīng)歷，但是我越是談?wù)撔睦斫】?，我就越發(fā)現(xiàn)抑郁癥是一種經(jīng)常被隱藏起來(lái)的疾病。實(shí)際上，你必須深入研究它，關(guān)注它才能讓自己感覺更好。

What is depression?

什么是抑郁癥？

Depression is a low mood that lasts for a long time, and affects your everyday life.

抑郁癥是一種持續(xù)很長(zhǎng)時(shí)間的情緒低落，這種癥狀會(huì)影響你的日常生活。

In its mildest form, depression can mean just being in low spirits. It doesn’t stop you leading your normal life but makes everything harder to do and seem less worthwhile. At its most severe, depression can be life-threatening because it can make you feel suicidal.

在最溫和的情況下，抑郁可能僅僅意味著情緒低落。它不會(huì)阻止你過(guò)正常的生活，但會(huì)讓所有的事情都變得更難做，所有事情也會(huì)讓你覺得不那么有價(jià)值。最嚴(yán)重的時(shí)候，抑郁癥會(huì)危及生命，因?yàn)樗鼤?huì)讓你有自殺的感覺。